New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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