Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
