Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Randomize
