Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
