what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
