is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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