If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
