i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
