he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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