I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
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Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize