i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
