i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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