Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
