I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
