I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
