i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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