Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
