I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
