If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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