Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
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i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
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Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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