i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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