Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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