I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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