dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
