I'm really into asian looking animals
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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