Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
