I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
