She is in my trunk
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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