so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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