I feel like abortions should bother me more
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
