I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
