Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
