Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hippo gnu deer
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
