wake up i wanna do it froggy style
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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