We got so high we made milksteak
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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