I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
should my penis look like a turkey
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
