I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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