when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I want her autograph on my taint
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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