he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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