I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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