Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
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Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
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Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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