3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm at about main and main street
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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