What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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