i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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