there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
