onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
