I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
