either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
