Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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