I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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