Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
