My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
