No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
