Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
