So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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