PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
