you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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