Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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