I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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