Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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